The Life of an Aspiring Sociopath

Phone whoring

2006-06-30T13:01:00.000-07:00

I forgot that I mentioned the phone sex job in my last post. It is only a part-time gig. It is really quite amusing, as men are quite predictable. But for people who want to judge me about it, go ahead. Some people knit, others judge...what the hell?

Ha ha.

Creepy Men

2006-06-30T08:22:00.000-07:00

Well, shall I tell you the next weird chapter in my life? why do pyscho men like me?
Okay, so I was at work, by myself, and this man comes in. He is ( I know now) 52, black( I say this only because of the tone he used--so I wanted to clarify what he looked like) and seemingly nice. So, he tells me he has a son that he would maybe think about bringing here, and also tells me he is a special Ed teacher. Well, I am very excited! A teacher! Yea! Well, Maybe not.

So, I am trying to show him around and he randomly throws in things like, " Do you drink coffee? Do you like the water?" I just thought he was being friendly. then he says, " I am trying to hit on you..." okay, blah blah he stays for awhile and then leaves. And yes, I know this is dunb, but he seemed nice, I gave him my number so we could have coffee. Innocent enough?

He calls that night. I pick up the phone and he starts breathing heavily, it sounded like Darth Vader. And he said, " Kassi I know you." I said who the fuck is this? I was busy with something else and it struck me as weird. He told me and we had a chuckle. ( kind of) So, I am trying to talk to him about teaching and he keeps saying things like, " You have kissable lips, you have sexy elbows..." ( um, ok) " I want to date you." I have known him for 1 hour.
Then its gets odd ( er) he asks if I have ever been with a black man. Now, I knew what he was saying but I thouht I would try and diffuse the situation. " Sure my best friend is black and we hang out all the time." He asked what I thought was :well hung" HE IS 52! WTF??? I should have hung up but I am too easily amused, I think my phone sex job is clouding my judgement, THEN HE SAYS IT. " Do you like to be tied up? I want to tie you up." FUCKKKKKKKKKKK.

So, needless to say I ended the conversation and sent him an email stating I did not want further contact. I did not go into work today because I would be alone all day...and that is just creepy!

Only the pyschos want some good Kbob lovin....

White Flag--for a friend MIA...

2006-06-28T19:31:00.000-07:00

This song represents someone I used to really care about, but his evil skanker-bitch-whore of a girlfriend told him he could no londer see me, talk to me or be my friend. Who is the bigger idiot--her or him anyway...for you my friend:

White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it well I'd still have felt it,
where's the sense in that
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were but

I will go down with this ship and I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door,
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble,
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over" then I'm sure that that makes sense but

I will go down with this ship and I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door,
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet, which I'm sure we will
All that was there, will be there still
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue
And you will think, that I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship and I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door,
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship and I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door,
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship and I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door,
I'm in love and always will be

Catching up with Kass

2006-06-28T18:48:00.000-07:00

Jesus! I forgot I had this thing! Thanks Kaisa, for remining me. So, to catch up in 20 pages or less:
( the abridged version)

* I am writing a book, I am on page 90.
* Had hoo-hoo surgery and can no longer have kids :(
* Am having surgery in two weeks for the torn meniscus in my knee
* I was hit on today by a man who came by my school--no, not with a car.
*I am fat, still, but attempting slowly to find my ass-which hovering somewhere over greenland
* I drive an SUV and not my little truck
* I have some fabulous friends and some assholes who turned on me like bad milk

Okay, that is all I can muster right now...

Stayed tuned..

Surgery done

2006-03-02T14:46:00.000-08:00

Well, I had my surgery. My doctor actually gave me photos of what he did. EW! I said, " Hey why is there a disco ball in there?" Anyway, I am not bleeding anymore ! Woohoo--but I am having severe leg cramps and I am not sure whether it is all related or not. I do know that I am only getting an hours worth of sleep a night. Ugh.

Sigh- again

2006-01-12T18:33:00.000-08:00

I feel a little depressed. Perhaps it is the 20 some days of rain--or maybe the hormonal imbalance in my body. Yes, I am still having issues! I had surgery in Nov. and now I am doing that same crap again. If it does not knock it off then I will have to have surgery number 2. So just to be clear here is what surgery number 2 would be like:

Endometrial ablation is a procedure that uses a lighted viewing instrument (hysteroscope) and other instruments to destroy (ablate) the uterine lining, or endometrium. ( Ie: Burn your endrometrial tissue out)

Approximately 90% of women will have reduced menstrual flow following endometrial ablation, but only 40% to 50% will stop having periods. Hysterectomy or repeat ablation is required in approximately 22% of women following endometrial ablation. Younger women are less likely than older women to respond to endometrial ablation. After an endometrial ablation, younger women are more likely to continue to have periods and need a repeat procedure.

Complications of endometrial ablation are uncommon but can be quite severe. They can include:

Accidental puncture (perforation) of the uterus. ( GREAT!)

Burns (thermal injury) to the uterus or the surface of the bowel.

Buildup of fluid in the lungs (

pulmonary edema

Sudden blockage of arterial blood flow within the lung (pulmonary embolism).
Tearing of the opening of the uterus (cervical laceration).

Although this surgery usually causes sterility by destroying the lining of the uterus, pregnancy may still be possible if a small part of the endometrium is left in place. Birth control of some form is required if you have not completed menopause and do not wish to become pregnant.

I want to go to bed and finish eating that package of cookies and read. Tv does not even remotely amuse me.

2005-12-06T18:40:00.000-08:00

WOW! How did it know?

You Are Likely a Third Born

At your darkest moments, you feel vulnerable.
At work and school, you do best when you're comparing things.
When you love someone, you tend to like to please them.

In friendship, you are loyal to one person.
Your ideal careers are: sales, police officer, newspaper reporter, inventor, poet, and animal trainer.
You will leave your mark on the world with inventions, poetry, and inspiration.

The Birth Order Predictor

2005-12-06T18:33:00.000-08:00

Your Linguistic Profile:

35% General American English

35% Yankee

15% Upper Midwestern

10% Dixie

5% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

YEAR IN REVIEW

2005-11-26T17:47:00.000-08:00

Ho Ho Ho

Well, here we are again! It’s time for Kassi’s year in review! Yes, I could go through my pitiful little address book and send you each some cheery little yuletide greeting, but I feel this best represents me and my life in the past year. So, sit back, have some eggnog and enjoy a flash back on “Kassi’s year in Review…”

**Caution some material may not be appropriate for children. (Ha)

So let’s begin……

Memorable Moments of 2005:

§ Let us never forget Ed and his ‘Fucking building.’ In fact, perhaps a moment of silence should be observed for Ed and his building. I hope the two of them will be very happy together. ( Sundown M. Ranch Circa de 2005)

§ And God bless the child that hit that softball straight into Scott’s (Head Management) truck as he was driving by. I wish we had instant replay—for the sudden obscenities that were spewed forth from Scott’s mouth were precious. ( Mind you he was the idiot that decided to move the backstop to begin with) What is that about just desserts? ( Sundown)

§ Don’t you hate it when you are taking a shower and drop the soap?( Kind of like a prison porn movie) And you go to pick it up and do a triple toe loop without ice skates and land face down in the shower? A good indication that perhaps you have dislocated your arm is when it is dangling in front of your shoulder and moving causes you to speak in tongues.

§ What could be worse? Having 911-bust into your house through the window, while you are naked as a jay bird on the floor. Oh, they knocked on the door but I could not exactly open it because I could not get off the floor. I had to hurl my porpoise-like body from the tub and slither down the hall—throw a shoe at the phone to get it off the counter, only to find it plugged into the internet. DAMN YOU DIAL UP!

§ What could be worse? Gorgeous EMT’s making a net under your ass out of your blanket and hurling you through the air to get you to your feet. And then casually chatting with you in the ambulance on the way to the hospital as you are trying not to cry. (Okay, I am nude, in pain, wet from the shower and you want to know what I do for fun? I like to kick people repeatedly in the scrotum—now ask me that again)

§ Of course, after they have located the arm (here, its right here!) I have to get home somehow. This is a truly precious memory. Kassi- drugged up, draped in a stunning hospital gown and matching booties, sling, and disposal undies, sits in a wheelchair outside the hospital to wait for a cab to take her home. Nice. Let us not forget the lecherous cab driver who had to help in and out the cab. I’m pretty!

§ Kassi gets a new job and moves to Silverdale. ( with one arm) ( thank you Peter) The guy helping (I use this term loosely) move my stuff is more interested in talking to my boobs than moving my boxes. And Peter is wearing my pink Tiara and scaring the Mormon boys who live next door.

§ I work with some very unique children at my new job and I like them a lot. One of the young boys, who are developmentally delayed, for lack of a better term, is pretty funny. When I tell him it is time to do school work he says, “No, thank you Kassi, I cannot do that because I love you very much.” I should have tried that in my math classes.

§ The psycho neighbor. One evening I return home to find a note on my door from a neighbor across the way telling me that he is attracted to me and would like to get to know me. Okay, that sounds nice. That was my first mistake. After have one phone conversation all hell breaks loose. One evening I had my ringer off because I had a headache and wanted to go to bed early. He called me 6 times in one hour (I have caller ID). Each message got a little creepier. His finally message at 1130pm stated that he was coming over to knock on my door. I, immediately put the kibosh on that one. Occasionally, he still calls and breathes in my phone, but he is dealing with the master here, so his silly games mean nothing to me. Jebus! “Why are you ignoring me?” Um, because you are a psycho and there is not enough room for two psychos in any relationship.

§ Hoo hoo trouble. Well, I had to have surgery as many of you know. I bled for 4 months straight and finally they went in and hovered that sucker out. On the way into surgery I was singing, “On Dancer, Prancer, And Vixen...” as they wheeled me down the hall. I am feeling better but it left me with a lot of gas….

§ Which brings me to this: I went to the Casino the other day with my 20.00. And as I was watching my 20.00 fly the coop, I thought, “God, who smells? Jesus! Someone ought to check their drawers!” And it was me. I stunk! I never stink! Residual hoo- hoo issues. So, now I am paranoid and carry this huge bottle of shower to shower body powder around. And who knows---maybe it wasn’t me? I bathe twice a day…oh, well what do you do.

§ Sarcastic hair dressers. So, I went to get my rat’s nest tamed. And I had this odd little hairstylist. Oh, she was nice but interesting. She of course has to point out that she is sarcastic. Now, if you have to point it out, then you suck at it. Plain and simple. If people do not get it-then you don’t do it. She told me her alcoholic friend has decided to stop drinking and she thought it would be funny to buy her a chess board made of shot glasses and mini-bottles. Um, okay did I miss something? So, if she was a recovering junkie you would fill her stalking with needles and a dime bag? No, honey you are not sarcastic, you are stupid. But you do good hair.

§ Finally, the phrase: Curiosity killed the cat. Well, I think Lola is learning that phrase. My toilet likes to make evil noises and the other day, she jumped up to see what was going on, slipped and fell in. Tidy bowl cat. I tried to be sympathetic…no, wait ---I did not. I just laughed my ass off.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. May all of your wishes and dreams come true in the coming New Year. And just be glad you aren’t me…hahahaha.

Female trouble

2005-11-10T17:05:00.000-08:00

Apparently, I have hyperplasia, which is where the endrometrial lining shows pre-cancerous cells. Nice, huh? So, I need to talk to this dude about options. They put me on Provera and it has made me bleed worse, as if that is possible! Today I passed clots as big as my fist, I kid you not. I thought they were freaking human heads! So, I will know more on Monday.

I cannot take time off work because I am the only teacher there, so I am trying to schedule all of this around my time off. (Christmas or Thanksgiving) But it really is not up to me. If I need to go, then I will have to go whenever they can find a slot for me. I am going to talk to the gynecologist about this whole birth control pill thing. The other doc gave me a prescription for a really HIGH dose of them and I am not really comfortable with that.

I hate being a woman sometimes.

A friend ( and I use that term loosely) is really being a snatch right now. I want to freaking
kick her in naughty area. God, what a bitch!

Memory Excercise Response

2005-11-06T13:27:00.000-08:00

AH, memories that have been sent to me so far:

From Sacman--Kevin: ( My oldest, dearest friend) and Kassi ( our emails combind)

Sacman says don't forget to bring down your remainder!
Listening to "James Taylor" with Suzanne
and John whilst trying to
teach Kassi Algebra...
then going for a walk in the spooky graveyard.

Mr. Chick...peep peep...
who gave me a really ugly stuffed animal.

Chaquita Paquita Love Muffin and
the Candy Gram....

CANDY GRAM! Go Away Land Shark!

Kevin and his blue hooded robe, which
scared the crap out of me every
morning! " AHHHHHHHHH!"
Along those same lines...Kevin decides to walk
around the apartment nude
and iron his apron for work...IN THE BUFF.

Barking Spiders..
...especially at Bethany's with Snowplop and Petie the
black cats....
and of course the talking ouija board named "Jim" that
lived there too.
hahahaha.
"Who can it be calling on our phone...Jim?"

Movie number one: "The K-team", "Tang-su-do Man,"
and the "Days of our
LIES." ( AIDS boy)
Movie Number two: " Kassi-Jessie Raphael,with the
return of AIDS boy,"  "Allie Baba's used cars," "Being followed by
security in the mall..."
OH MY GOD!!!!!!! IT's Candyman!!!!!!! EKKKKKKK!

***This is a favorite****** ( This is from ME--Kassi)
Getting drunk Christmas Eve and
calling people and telling them to look
under their beds. Why? Why not?
And also we told them Santa was stuck
in the Chimney.
Then Kassi gets looped and falls asleep in the SNOW on
the porch in her underwear. Ah, a Christmas hangover for the
fam...beautiful.

From Dawn( HighSchool Chum):

we had some really
great times, and some really serious moments.
I think we were each
others rock more than once.
I have to say though, that the time you had me
dress up as Zorba, and go up to Mr. Sidow.
That was classic!  OR the
time I pretended to be crazy to mess with John's ex.
Is Angela still
your trunk?
Or when we were there to help Kevin decide which way to
go...Ah who can forget his first dance at Neighbors?!?!
Karen's
bachorlette party, the flat tire,
meeting John for the first time, putting (god I
forgot her name) putting a very drunk in bed,
and heavy drinking across
the border.  Only one....?
Sorry too many times.
Oh my God and the
movie we made!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Do you have a copy of that?

From Heather: ( Co-worker and friend from old job)
My memory well one of the first few that comes to mind..naturally had
to do
with Oasis teen shelter. I like the one where you spilled that blue
paint on
the rug in the boys room :-)
That was so funny. I had so much fun
painting
that hell hole with you :-)

I also remember the ropes course. We wouldn't have had as much fun if
you
weren't there to keep us smiling and keep our spirits up!
( Even though I broke my ASS)

AH yes, and one more quickie
( I wish I could write in detail, but I'm
at
work)
remember when that one kid,
 uh I think his name was Ryan?
Anyhow, he
put the pot in the microwave
and we spent a chilly evening sitting out
on
the picnic table as the fire dept. came and made our building "safe."
AHHH
yes...

From: Melissa ( My Cool Cuzin)

I remember going to Dempsey's with you and singing karaoke and getting
red
wine spilled on my purse, then driving home drunk (you driving--me drunk!)
and singing
Evanescence at
the top of our lungs. That was a fun night.  :)

Love,
Mel

2005-11-05T08:07:00.000-08:00

The guy who posted the note on my door ended up being a freak. Oh, BIG suprise. After he called my house repeatedly one night and then came to bang on my door at 1130pm, I finally had to give this repsonse:

In one of your numerous messages you left on my phone last night, you
said  all you wanted was a response from me.  Well, your actions last
night have indeed, illicited a response from me.

First, I had my ringer off because I had a headache, therefore, all of
the calls you made accusing me of "ignorning" you, were unfounded. At
one point I got up to go to the bathroom and I saw my caller ID box
blinking. You had called 6 times within a span of an hour and half! And
I must tell you, each message got a little creepier.

Second, I did not appreciate the "I am coming over to knock on your
door and meet you right now," bit. It was 11:30 pm! Um, just because
YOU are awake does not mean I am  awake. What if I had company?

Third, in the future when you want to get to know someone, try
introducing yourself, asking them out on a date or going for
coffee--the obsessive late night phone calling "The call is coming from
inside your house...." shit is not cute.

I am long-winded. Needless to say, no I am not interested in getting to
know you at this point. I wish you well.

MEMORIES

2005-11-04T18:37:00.000-08:00

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or moritified) about what people remember about you.

Jobs

2005-10-29T16:03:00.000-07:00

Okay here is something fun:

I am going to try and list all of the jobs I have ever had--can you do the same? 35 years = a lot of jobs, especially when your bipolar--hahaha! oooh and the SOME of the hourly wages!

1. Berry Fields .10 per pound or somethin
2. Bulbs= 4.00 and hour ( BIG money back then)
3. Baby Sitting ( 2.50-3.00 an hour)
4. McDonald's ( Briefly)-- 3.35
5. Kentucky Fucked Chicken 3.45-3.62
6. JC Pennys 3.70-4.00
7.NANNY NYC-- 150.00 a week ( plus room and board)
8. Tradewinds Cafe - 5.25-5.50
9.Denny's ( 1st time) 5.00 as a hostess
10. The Willows Retirement Center ( working while at Dennys) 4.00
11. Blue Water Bistro- Busser 4.75 plus tip ( while working at Dennys and Willows..Manic much?)
12. NANNY CONNECTICUT 225.00 a week plus room and board
13. Lane Bryant 5.50 ( BIG BUCKS) while working as a nanny in CT
14. Buzz Inn Steak House ( Briefly) 6.00 --:(
15. The Store Grocery! yea!
16. Lane Bryant-Mt.Vernon ( while working at the Store)
17. Trendwest Resorts ( WHAT A MESS): Appointment Setter
18. Brief Stint selling entertainment books over the phone
19. Brief Stint selling vacuums--I was depressed--but liked talking nonesense on the phone
20. Truck Stop Waitress - Crane's Cafe-hahahahahaha
21. Denny's Waitress ( 2nd time)
22. The Banana Pages--Advertising
23. GE CAPITAL ASSURANCE ( Hi Peter)
24. Lusty Lady--Phone Sex Goddess
25. Massage Therapist ( um, unliscensed)
26. NANNY--GreenLake, Seattle ( 1800.00 a month-)
27. Media Passage
28. BEST HEll ( times 3)
29. The Oasis Teen Shelter--Youth Councselor
30. Boss Tweed ( Hog) --waitress
31. Preschool teacher
32. Barnes & Noble ( 1 week--anxiety attacks prevented me from going to work)
33. Camp Counselor
34. Swim instructor for kindergartners
35. SUNDOWN-Teacher--ahhhhhhhh
36.Glen Eden--Special Education Teacher/Therapist

Wow--I've come along way........

Bizzaro World

2005-10-18T18:26:00.000-07:00

God, my life is bizarre.

FIRST---HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY KEVIN!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN THINKING OF YOU SINCE THE 8^th—BUT IAM LAZY!

Allow me to begin with this little ditty:

My fridge died and I had to defrost it move all my food to the downstairs apartment; it was empty. (Seemingly) Well, while the maintenance boobs were trying to fix my refer, the cleaners came to the downstairs apartment and swiped all my food out of the fridge!!!!! So, now I have now food and muddy foot prints on my floor from the maintenance boobs. The manager said to give her an itemized list of what was in my fridge/freezer and she would credit my rent. Damn, can I fit a porches’ in the fridge? Needless to say, I ordered pizza tonight.

I came home from Peter’s in Seattle the other night, ( his bf arrived the other day from CALI, I have yet to meet him, but he seems nice, I am sure I will not see much of him anymore L) and when I got home there was a note on my door. At first I thought, “Oh great, another fucking pizza coupon.” But alas, it was not. This is what it said:

“Hi My name is Rod I live in Apt *** Across from you... And I just wanted to tell you that I would love to get to know you. I just think you are extremely cute! Take Care! Rod

Well, you could have called me Jack and slapped my ass in a box, I was so surprised. Of course, at first I looked for the hidden cameras. Anyway---I have spoken to him on the computer and phone a few times. I am just feeling a little anti -social these days...I think it is this ever present anxiety..........

I have stopped sleeping. I cannot sleep. I sleep from like 4am- 7am everyday and that is it…I think my body is rebelling…. I just do not know why………

Well, toodles. I am off to stare at my bare fridge! FOOD THEIEVES!!!!!!!!

Going upstairs ( 1985)

2005-09-26T20:15:00.000-07:00

Well, after spending 3 days downstairs in the "real hospital," I have been moved upstairs to the happy little "Care-psych" center. Isn't that a cute little word for the nut house? I am told it is a stress clinic, but I think that being here will stress me out more! I get to relax here for 4 weeks and have people poke and prod at my head and try and figure out why I like to eat large quanties of aspirin and try and slice my tender wrists.

There is this really weird psychiatrist on duty, his name is Dr. Epp. He is so odd; he speaks liek he has a twinkie in his nose. He wanted me to take some MMPI test that has like 500 questions and I was in no mood to play "fill in the blank," so I ripped it up and threw it at his feet. I told the jackass if he wanted to know something about me, perhaps he should just ask. Enough with the psychological bullshit.
I like my roommate. Her name is Shannon and she is 16. Shannon is from Oak Harbor which is very close to where I live. Oh, did I mention I am the youngest one in here? Yes, yes nothing like a crazy 15 year-old. Most of the people are adults here except for me, Shannon, Rick and this guy I call the "Green River Killer." He is 17 and always wears this green jogging suit. One night he opened my door and I screamed " KILLER! KILLER!" Mind you, this was after I had taken my nightly meds, so I was a little zonked.

It sucks because they have this "smoking lounge," and I am not able to smoke with the others. The counselors asked my parents if I could smoke and they about fell on the floor. NO!!!!!!!! Of course, I should have seen that coming. A few months ago I had a cigarette in my room late at night, and apparently the smell permeated the house. In the morning, my father taped a cigarette to my door and with a cheery little note. The paper had a skull and cross bones drawn on it with the words, " SMOKING KILLS!" Subtle, huh? My father is not the subtle type.

Karen and Todd were supposed to come see me this weekend, but I am on this 7 day black out period. That pissed me off, so I decided to have a little fun. Yesterday when we went on one of our "recreational walks," ( essentially around the block) I found a couple of cute baby frogs. I put them in my pocket and took them back with me. Later in the day, I set them free in the hallway and had a frog jumping contest. OMIGOD! You should have seen the nurses freak out! " Where in the hell did these come from???" I think I gave myself away when I started rolling on the floor laughing. I was sent to my room and told I would be meeting with my counselor later in the day. OOOOh, I am so scared. Assholes. Bonnie, my case manager ( aka- counselor) is really cool. She laughed and told me this was not a place for pets. Sigh.

Well, I am off to dinner. I wonder what fabulous dining adventure I will have tonight. Man, I miss my M&M stash.

1985

2005-09-26T07:32:00.000-07:00

Here I lie in this sterile hospital room, playing with the up and down button on my bed. The only pleasure I can derive from this place is the hidden package of M&M's in my drawer. I am looking out my window at the perfectly manicured lawn and feeling oddly safe for the first time in a long while. There is something so peaceful about lying here with the covers pulled up to my chin. I do not have to move, speak or even think; I can just lie here like a blob of human flesh.

I, anonymous

2005-09-19T21:31:00.000-07:00

An Anonymous Letter:

You are such a @&*%!

I do not use that word often, but in this case it fits. I have never met a person who is more cold-hearted, self-serving, and unforgiving, as you are, my dear. You sit on your fat ass and pass judgement on others, yet you cannot even fling yourself from the couch to get a job. And why should you when your husband, who is an equal loser, has a decent job. What do you do all day? You hate children, you have no pets--is sleeping a career? If so, you are number one in your field. I cannot believe I felt bad when we stopped being friends.. I just asked if you wanted lunch and you replied with, " I do not want to be your friend anymore." A simple, " I do not feel like eating lunch today," would have sufficied. Weeks later I saw you downtown catching the bus, I was 10 f-ing feet from you and you merely turned up your nose and looked away. Having flashbacks of preschool are we?

It's been many years now and in a moment of weakness I looked you up, only to be punched in the gut by your acidic reply. Well, my only rresponse is this: I will see you in hell, **** and you better bring some sun screen-because it's really f***ing hot!

sigh

2005-09-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

Ugh, off to work. The cat is friving me crazy this morning...meow meow meow...WHAT??? What do you want????????

I hate passive- aggressive people.

goodbye

2005-09-18T19:33:00.000-07:00

You are a loser
You know it's true
Unable to forgive
but it don't make me blue

Infact, I am not sorry at all
because I never did anything wrong
...so die in a firey pit of hell bitch
you ain't my friend no more.

Verdi Cries

2005-09-18T15:06:00.001-07:00

Verdi Cries

[ Natalie Merchant ]

The man in 119 takes his tea all alone.
Mornings we all rise to wireless Verdi cries.
I'm hearing opera through the door.
The souls of men and women, impassioned all.
Their voices climb and fall; battle trumpets call.
I fill the bath and climb inside, singing.

He will not touch their pastry
but every day they bring him more.
Gold from the breakfast tray, I steal them all away
and then go and eat them on the shore.

I draw a jackal-headed woman in the sand,
sing of a lover's fate sealed by jealous hate
then wash my hand in the sea.
With just three days more I'd have just about learned the entire score to Aida.

Holidays must end as you know.
All is memory taken home with me:
the opera, the stolen tea, the sand drawing, the verging sea, all years ago.

Seven Years

2005-09-18T15:06:00.000-07:00

How did I love you?
there was no measuring
far above this dirty world
far above everything
in your tower over it
you were clean

so warm and insightful
were you in my eyes
I was sure the rightful
guardian of my life
damn you betrayer
how you lied

but for seven years
you were loved
I laid golden orchid crowns
around your feet

for seven years
I bowed down
to touch the ground
so wholly your devotee

you were
all I could see

I've got my sight now
I see everything you hid
so don't you try to right now
all the wrong you did
I might forget you
but never forgive

but for seven years
you were loved
I laid golden orchid crowns
around your feet

for seven years
I bowed down
to touch the ground
so wholly your devotee

for seven years
you were so revered
I made offerings of
anything and everything I had

you were
all I could see

2005-09-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

Soooo, studious!

2005-09-18T14:55:00.000-07:00

Boogie shoes...

2005-09-18T14:53:00.000-07:00

Savannah ROCKS!

Cat Toys

2005-09-17T21:14:00.000-07:00

I went to petsmart today and bought my kitty some lovely things: a defurrballer, some bath tissues, a disco collar and some wheat grass.

I love my kitty.

When September Ends

2005-09-16T08:57:00.000-07:00

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father's come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father's come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends

You fucked up your arm, Joan

2005-09-15T18:26:00.000-07:00

Well, here is the final diagnosis on my arm:

I have a "GREATER TUBEROSITY FRACTURE OF THE HUMERUS." Which means that

the uppermost part  of the humerus  there is a bump called the greater
tuberosity. It acts as an attachment for one of the important rotator
cuff muscles, the supraspinatus, as well as a guide for your bicep
tendon.( the tendons and muslces get pulled and jammed as well)  It is
typically injured in a fall on an outstretched arm, a "jam" into the
shoulder joint, or direct impact. ( ie--dislocation by falling in the
shower and impacting your shoulder--ow!)

So, I have to start physical therapy twice a week for 4 weeks and...
Immobilization: Immobilization in a sling for 2 weeks for comfort.


Icing: Ice bags, cold packs or cold therapy units can be used to ice
the shoulder initially. 20 minute sessions, 3 - 5 times a day for the
first 5 days aids in reducing pain and swelling. And as needed
thereafter. ( Once a day)

Motion Exercises: 5 - 10 times a day: -take arm out of sling and flex
and extend elbow fully for 20-30 repetitions. Perform this smoothly and
slowly. ( aka--physical therapy)



Precautions: * Do not try and actively abduct or lift arm out to the
side for 4 - 6 weeks.

* Avoid q uick, jerky movements.

* Do not lean on elbow on the injured side or try and push up to a
sitting position for 4 - 8 weeks.

**After 3-4 weeks ( which it has been) wear the sling when needed
during the day, but take your arm out and move it around to get mobilty
back.  Do not overuse the arm and give it TLC, ice abd DRUGS! Wahoo.
Sigh.

In the pursuit of happiness, the difficulty lies in knowing when you
have caught up.

HALT!

2005-09-07T20:03:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here eating ice juice. Yes, I said Ice juice. I took some Sunny Delight and poured it into my ice cube tray and am eating the little cubes. I love ice. I do not know why, I am sure Frued would say it was an oral fixation--but then eveything with freud was a fixation.

I feel a little depressed this evening amd I am not sure if it is because I am tired or what. What is that little phrase they use in rehab? HALT! Never get too hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. or... I dunno I might bite the head off of a hamster.

My job is interesting, although, my boss talks A LOT. Sometimes I start singing little tunes in my head while he is talking, so that I can feign interest. Is that wrong?

I THINK my period finally stopped. The blasted thing has been rolling for a month now. I know I am a big girl, but BeJESUS my uterus cannot be the size of the Tacoma Dome.

Hmm...well, I guess I will go finish my ice and read a book

Yours till Niagra Falls---

2005-09-04T17:33:00.000-07:00

One sexy bitch

Ow!

2005-09-03T20:29:00.000-07:00

I am in pain!!!!!!!! I cannot find a sling that fits my arm right. I went to the doc over here in Silverdale and he would not give me pain meds. I wasn't asking for crack for Christ's Sake! I only needed something to help me sleep because I keep rolling over on my fracture!

Peter is here and we are watching scary movies! Right now we are watching the Omen!!!!!!

broken and bruised

2005-08-20T21:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I cannot guareentee how this post will look, as I am writing it with a dislocated shoulder, which has been relocated-but has a fracture. I fell in the tub and smashed myself. I knew I had dislocated it because I heard a snap. I was so scared because I could not get out of the tub; finally I flopped myself onto the floor and slithered to the other room ( nude of course). I had to throw a show at the phone to get it to fall on the floor and then when I finally got my phone, it was connected to the internet. FUCK! I dialed 911, eventually, and these gorgeous EMTS busted through my window. I had to go to the hospital nude! Jebus.

So, I dislocated my right shoulder in a major way, fractured it and tore a muscle. Nice. And my dad was so mean to me! He said, " I have no sympathy for you because you are a dumbass." Oh, but him falling off the roof and dislocating his arm was okay...

I had to go home in a taxi with a hospital gown and slippers. :( What a day...and now somehow I have to try and pack and move this weekend. I am in a lot of pain and really pissed at my family. I asked my Mom to come help me, the ER nurse told my mom I needed help and she said she could not because she was going to go to Seattle with Kena and Savannah. Oh, screw everyone. I am bitter now.

I must kill the Broccoli

2005-08-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

My goal becomes clear...the Broccoli must die! - Stewie Griffin

Ugh, only 3 more days at this place and then I shall be free from these people forever..." Give us are free!" ( A little Amastad for you..)

Things to do:

Call Cable People
Email new boss
Pack my shit
( well, not literally)

2005-08-17T17:45:00.000-07:00

What do you want? I am trying to nap.

2005-08-17T17:43:00.000-07:00

Who is the pet and who is the master?

2005-08-17T14:12:00.000-07:00

That's right, I'm cool..

2005-08-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

I'm a princess...now get me my ice cream!

2005-08-17T13:19:00.000-07:00

Yes, I realize I misspelled "your" on the previous picture...wanna make something of it?

2005-08-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

Hello, I am Miss Stebner you're teacher. And if you piss me off, I will kill you.

2005-08-17T13:14:00.000-07:00

Really, I didn't spill the paint!

2005-08-17T13:12:00.000-07:00

We're off to school!

2005-08-17T13:10:00.000-07:00

I'm ready for my close up Mr. Deville

2005-08-17T12:59:00.000-07:00

I am too sexy for this plant

Leaving Hell

2005-08-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

Well, only 6 more days in this hell called, "Yakima." ( Crackima, Yaki-vegas) I am moving to Silverdale and will be working in Poulsbo at a private school, teaching school for kids w ith emotional disabilities. It will be a nice scenery change. Ah, single navy men, that cannot be a bad thing.

What is my cat's problem today?? meow, meow, meow..Jesus. I think she knows we are moving. STOP ATTACKING MY LEG! Damn furrball.

I need to go to work now....nothing like dealing with drug addicted teens. Yes, yes working at a rehab fror teens is a kick in the anal eye. No, kids I do not do drugs...but you make me wish I did.

Kunta Kinte

2005-07-22T21:26:00.000-07:00

I rented the mini-series "roots" and am in the middle of watching it. Human beings are real assholes. I am just appauled at how we treat each other. Who decided it was okay to do this? I was rooting for the slaves when they tried to overthrow the people on the boat. I was sad when "the wrestler" got killed; he was awesome. Now, I know where that phrase " Mandingo Fantasy" comes from. The Africans had the Mandingo warriors.
We are prejudice against blacks and yet we pay big bucks for spray on tans...what is THAT about?

Goodnight

2005-07-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

You kissed me goodnight-
I said , "I love you."
You loved me too.

You bent down to kiss my soft stomach
There was no hardness or round fullness, yet.
Though you could not hear the heatbeat
You whispered, " I love you," to my pink flesh.

I could feel the changes.
Cells in my body were changing.
No longer was I one;
I had become two.

I needed you to be strong,
but you could not be.
It was not in your nature;
but it was in mine.

The room:
Small
Sterile
Cold
Uninviting
Where were you?

Suction
Pressure
Screams
Tears
I felt shame

You kissed me goodnight-
But I did not say I love you,
and you did not kiss my stomach
because now
there was nothing left to kiss.

"You're getting old Joan..."

2005-07-17T12:08:00.000-07:00

I think I am getting old. No, not because I have sand bags hanging from my eyes down to my feet or because the last time my breasts were even remotely perky is when the game "Pong" was cool; it is my patience that seems to be lost. Now, mind you I am not the most patient individual to begin with, ( noooooo! I know, I know you are shocked, as was I!) so becoming "impatient" is really not such a far fall. More like sitting down.

So, I am at the theater watching " Willie Wonka," which I KNOW is predominatley a kids movie, but still I held out hope that the heathens would keep themselves under wraps. Behind me sat Donald freaking duck. " Ha Ha quack quack" When he laughed he sounded like he had swallowed a live duck. Then there was the rather large hispanic family with the little boy who greeted everyone coming into the theatre with,"Hello poophead." God, aren't they all just precious jewels? I remember when I went to see the last Star Wars installment, STAR WARS PEOPLE, and this 4 year old sat next to me and just gabbed and made sounds the entire time.
" OOOOOOOOh big ship"
"Mommie is he a bad man?"
"FLY FLY FLY SPACESHIP!!!"
Finally his mother went to get him some popcorn or duct tape and I leaned over and said, " Don't ever talk durning Star Wars." " Why?" " Because they will put you in jail." ( Did I tell you I was a teacher and loved children?)
Okay, so I am a bitch....but it was STAR WARS PEOPLE!
I won't even get into the pint-sized snot factories at another movie I went to. JEBUS! Actually, I think it was the adults that were worse. Unwrapping paper loudly, talking, talking, talking, belching--oh, yeah, that's right I said BELCHING.
What has society come to?

Excuse me I need to fart.

2005-07-17T12:06:00.000-07:00

The Movie Quiz
Pick Movie Titles that best answer the questions below:

Are you female or male: “Tank Girl”
Describe yourself: “Willie Wonka” ( Circa de Johhny Depp)
How do some people feel about you: “Overboard”
How do you feel about yourself: “Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind”
Describe an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend: “Psycho”
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: “Home Alone”
Describe where you want to be: “China Moon”
Describe what you want to be “"Miss Congeniality"
Describe how you live: “It’s a mad, mad world.”
Describe how you love: “What Dreams May Come”
Desribe your friends: “Moulin Rouge”
Describe how an ex sees you: “Crash”
Describe how someone you dislike sees you: “She-Devil”
The greatest love of your life: “When Harry met Sally”
How do you feel at this point in your life: “Star Wars: Return of the Sith”

Willie Wonka

2005-07-16T17:33:00.000-07:00

I just got done seeing Willie Wonka! Johnny Depp is so Weird! But it was very Tim Burtonesque.

Hmmm--Random thoughts:

I really depise some of the people at my job. Jerri is a worthless tit. That is my father's line, but in this case it works. I AM the TEACHER...she is the pathetic, moody helper. Yet, when I give a direction or make a suggestion that she does not like, she stands back on her non-existant ass and does nothing. She is like 45--GROW THE HELL UP!!!!!!! I hate control freaks. However, the other day I totally stirred the pot and told her this one chick was pissed off at her for going to management and getting the other girl in trouble. Ooooh, was she pissed. It was funny. Inside I laughed. I am evil; but I am cute

2005-07-16T12:45:00.000-07:00

The Song Quiz
Pick songs for the questions below:

Are you female or male: “Independent Woman” ( Alicia Keyes)
Describe yourself: “Crazy Train” ( Ozzy) & “I go to Extreems” ( Billy Joel)
How do some people feel about you: "The Joker” ( Steve Miller)
How do you feel about yourself: “I’m Sensitive” ( Jewel)
Describe an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend: “Creepy Crawling”
( Chumbawamba)
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: “All by myself”
( Leo Sayer)
Describe where you want to be: “I love the nightlife.” ( Alicia Bridges)
Describe what you want to be: “Hot Stuff” ( Donna Summer)
Describe how you live: “Light as the Breeze” ( Billy Joel)
Describe how you love: “Come what may” ( Moulin Rouge)
Desribe your friends: Mary—“Survivor” ( Destiny’s Child) Kym—“Best Friend” ( Queen) Kevin—“ Dancing Queen” Peter—“The Rainbow Tour” ( Evita)
Describe how an ex sees you: “She Hates Me” ( Puddle of Mud)
Describe how someone you dislike sees you: “Fuck you and your cat” ( Gold Finger)
The greatest love of your life: “Seven Years” ( Natalie Merchant)
How do you feel at this point in your life: “Bring me life.” ( Evanescence)

Crazy kids

2005-07-15T22:42:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned how glad I will be to be gone from this hell with florescent lighting called, "Sundown M. Ranch?" I must admit I like the kids, I really do. Yes, most of them are psycho, I mean they ARE drug addicts, but they are funny and compassionate too. One girl told me she broke her finger while she was in bed. " I just woke up and it was broken!" I then learned she told this boy she has a crush on ( from ANACORTES, no less) that she was masturbating so hard thinking about him, that she broke her finger. I suppose I should have pity for her, but it is damn funny. Not quite as funny as the "ass sniffer" story, but still humerous in a sick way.

" Uh, miss teacher lady..why does it say Ass Sniffer on my folder?"
Is there something you are not telling us?

Numero uno!

2005-07-15T20:13:00.000-07:00

Well, lookie what I made. My own little blog. Am I special or what? I really am you know. If you are reading this, you are either a friend, family memeber or have accidentally stumbled into the unknown. Run! Save yourself! I cannot be held accountable for the things I may say--because this is my damn blog.