The Life of an Aspiring Sociopath

At this point you are probably wondering what the hell you have gotten yourself into; you are not the first to ask that question. Well, sit back and enjoy the ride kiddies...welcome to the truly strange, bizarre, sometimes sad, outrageous, unbelievable life of... The Devine Miss K. I may be a little psychotic, but I am damn cute.

Name:
Location: Silverdale, Washington, United States

Likes: My cat Lola (all cats) & animals. (Except snakes-yuk), writing, reading, traveling (I have been to Japan, China, Australia, Hawaii and Hong Kong.) I love Asian Architecture—I have a Kimono on my wall; The Disney Villains (I collect them) – Disneyland ( and world.) Comedy Clubs; laughing; snuggling; people watching; singing; painting; cooking; baking; (I am an awesome baker!)- being with friends. Talking, talking and talking. Teaching, kids, intelligent conversation and people….and dreaming. (Oh don’t forget sleep!) Dislikes: Liver, Fish, Star Trek ( but I LOVVVE Star Wars), commercials repeated again and again, slow drivers, inconsiderate people, bad smells, being cold—being too hot, computers that freeze at the worst times and milk gone bad.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

YEAR IN REVIEW

Ho Ho Ho

Well, here we are again! It’s time for Kassi’s year in review! Yes, I could go through my pitiful little address book and send you each some cheery little yuletide greeting, but I feel this best represents me and my life in the past year. So, sit back, have some eggnog and enjoy a flash back on “Kassi’s year in Review…”

**Caution some material may not be appropriate for children. (Ha)

So let’s begin……

Memorable Moments of 2005:

§ Let us never forget Ed and his ‘Fucking building.’ In fact, perhaps a moment of silence should be observed for Ed and his building. I hope the two of them will be very happy together. ( Sundown M. Ranch Circa de 2005)

§ And God bless the child that hit that softball straight into Scott’s (Head Management) truck as he was driving by. I wish we had instant replay—for the sudden obscenities that were spewed forth from Scott’s mouth were precious. ( Mind you he was the idiot that decided to move the backstop to begin with) What is that about just desserts? ( Sundown)

§ Don’t you hate it when you are taking a shower and drop the soap?( Kind of like a prison porn movie) And you go to pick it up and do a triple toe loop without ice skates and land face down in the shower? A good indication that perhaps you have dislocated your arm is when it is dangling in front of your shoulder and moving causes you to speak in tongues.

§ What could be worse? Having 911-bust into your house through the window, while you are naked as a jay bird on the floor. Oh, they knocked on the door but I could not exactly open it because I could not get off the floor. I had to hurl my porpoise-like body from the tub and slither down the hall—throw a shoe at the phone to get it off the counter, only to find it plugged into the internet. DAMN YOU DIAL UP!

§ What could be worse? Gorgeous EMT’s making a net under your ass out of your blanket and hurling you through the air to get you to your feet. And then casually chatting with you in the ambulance on the way to the hospital as you are trying not to cry. (Okay, I am nude, in pain, wet from the shower and you want to know what I do for fun? I like to kick people repeatedly in the scrotum—now ask me that again)

§ Of course, after they have located the arm (here, its right here!) I have to get home somehow. This is a truly precious memory. Kassi- drugged up, draped in a stunning hospital gown and matching booties, sling, and disposal undies, sits in a wheelchair outside the hospital to wait for a cab to take her home. Nice. Let us not forget the lecherous cab driver who had to help in and out the cab. I’m pretty!

§ Kassi gets a new job and moves to Silverdale. ( with one arm) ( thank you Peter) The guy helping (I use this term loosely) move my stuff is more interested in talking to my boobs than moving my boxes. And Peter is wearing my pink Tiara and scaring the Mormon boys who live next door.

§ I work with some very unique children at my new job and I like them a lot. One of the young boys, who are developmentally delayed, for lack of a better term, is pretty funny. When I tell him it is time to do school work he says, “No, thank you Kassi, I cannot do that because I love you very much.” I should have tried that in my math classes.

§ The psycho neighbor. One evening I return home to find a note on my door from a neighbor across the way telling me that he is attracted to me and would like to get to know me. Okay, that sounds nice. That was my first mistake. After have one phone conversation all hell breaks loose. One evening I had my ringer off because I had a headache and wanted to go to bed early. He called me 6 times in one hour (I have caller ID). Each message got a little creepier. His finally message at 1130pm stated that he was coming over to knock on my door. I, immediately put the kibosh on that one. Occasionally, he still calls and breathes in my phone, but he is dealing with the master here, so his silly games mean nothing to me. Jebus! “Why are you ignoring me?” Um, because you are a psycho and there is not enough room for two psychos in any relationship.

§ Hoo hoo trouble. Well, I had to have surgery as many of you know. I bled for 4 months straight and finally they went in and hovered that sucker out. On the way into surgery I was singing, “On Dancer, Prancer, And Vixen...” as they wheeled me down the hall. I am feeling better but it left me with a lot of gas….

§ Which brings me to this: I went to the Casino the other day with my 20.00. And as I was watching my 20.00 fly the coop, I thought, “God, who smells? Jesus! Someone ought to check their drawers!” And it was me. I stunk! I never stink! Residual hoo- hoo issues. So, now I am paranoid and carry this huge bottle of shower to shower body powder around. And who knows---maybe it wasn’t me? I bathe twice a day…oh, well what do you do.

§ Sarcastic hair dressers. So, I went to get my rat’s nest tamed. And I had this odd little hairstylist. Oh, she was nice but interesting. She of course has to point out that she is sarcastic. Now, if you have to point it out, then you suck at it. Plain and simple. If people do not get it-then you don’t do it. She told me her alcoholic friend has decided to stop drinking and she thought it would be funny to buy her a chess board made of shot glasses and mini-bottles. Um, okay did I miss something? So, if she was a recovering junkie you would fill her stalking with needles and a dime bag? No, honey you are not sarcastic, you are stupid. But you do good hair.

§ Finally, the phrase: Curiosity killed the cat. Well, I think Lola is learning that phrase. My toilet likes to make evil noises and the other day, she jumped up to see what was going on, slipped and fell in. Tidy bowl cat. I tried to be sympathetic…no, wait ---I did not. I just laughed my ass off.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. May all of your wishes and dreams come true in the coming New Year. And just be glad you aren’t me…hahahaha.


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