The Life of an Aspiring Sociopath

At this point you are probably wondering what the hell you have gotten yourself into; you are not the first to ask that question. Well, sit back and enjoy the ride kiddies...welcome to the truly strange, bizarre, sometimes sad, outrageous, unbelievable life of... The Devine Miss K. I may be a little psychotic, but I am damn cute.

Name:
Location: Silverdale, Washington, United States

Likes: My cat Lola (all cats) & animals. (Except snakes-yuk), writing, reading, traveling (I have been to Japan, China, Australia, Hawaii and Hong Kong.) I love Asian Architecture—I have a Kimono on my wall; The Disney Villains (I collect them) – Disneyland ( and world.) Comedy Clubs; laughing; snuggling; people watching; singing; painting; cooking; baking; (I am an awesome baker!)- being with friends. Talking, talking and talking. Teaching, kids, intelligent conversation and people….and dreaming. (Oh don’t forget sleep!) Dislikes: Liver, Fish, Star Trek ( but I LOVVVE Star Wars), commercials repeated again and again, slow drivers, inconsiderate people, bad smells, being cold—being too hot, computers that freeze at the worst times and milk gone bad.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

YEAR IN REVIEW

Ho Ho Ho

Well, here we are again! It’s time for Kassi’s year in review! Yes, I could go through my pitiful little address book and send you each some cheery little yuletide greeting, but I feel this best represents me and my life in the past year. So, sit back, have some eggnog and enjoy a flash back on “Kassi’s year in Review…”

**Caution some material may not be appropriate for children. (Ha)

So let’s begin……

Memorable Moments of 2005:

§ Let us never forget Ed and his ‘Fucking building.’ In fact, perhaps a moment of silence should be observed for Ed and his building. I hope the two of them will be very happy together. ( Sundown M. Ranch Circa de 2005)

§ And God bless the child that hit that softball straight into Scott’s (Head Management) truck as he was driving by. I wish we had instant replay—for the sudden obscenities that were spewed forth from Scott’s mouth were precious. ( Mind you he was the idiot that decided to move the backstop to begin with) What is that about just desserts? ( Sundown)

§ Don’t you hate it when you are taking a shower and drop the soap?( Kind of like a prison porn movie) And you go to pick it up and do a triple toe loop without ice skates and land face down in the shower? A good indication that perhaps you have dislocated your arm is when it is dangling in front of your shoulder and moving causes you to speak in tongues.

§ What could be worse? Having 911-bust into your house through the window, while you are naked as a jay bird on the floor. Oh, they knocked on the door but I could not exactly open it because I could not get off the floor. I had to hurl my porpoise-like body from the tub and slither down the hall—throw a shoe at the phone to get it off the counter, only to find it plugged into the internet. DAMN YOU DIAL UP!

§ What could be worse? Gorgeous EMT’s making a net under your ass out of your blanket and hurling you through the air to get you to your feet. And then casually chatting with you in the ambulance on the way to the hospital as you are trying not to cry. (Okay, I am nude, in pain, wet from the shower and you want to know what I do for fun? I like to kick people repeatedly in the scrotum—now ask me that again)

§ Of course, after they have located the arm (here, its right here!) I have to get home somehow. This is a truly precious memory. Kassi- drugged up, draped in a stunning hospital gown and matching booties, sling, and disposal undies, sits in a wheelchair outside the hospital to wait for a cab to take her home. Nice. Let us not forget the lecherous cab driver who had to help in and out the cab. I’m pretty!

§ Kassi gets a new job and moves to Silverdale. ( with one arm) ( thank you Peter) The guy helping (I use this term loosely) move my stuff is more interested in talking to my boobs than moving my boxes. And Peter is wearing my pink Tiara and scaring the Mormon boys who live next door.

§ I work with some very unique children at my new job and I like them a lot. One of the young boys, who are developmentally delayed, for lack of a better term, is pretty funny. When I tell him it is time to do school work he says, “No, thank you Kassi, I cannot do that because I love you very much.” I should have tried that in my math classes.

§ The psycho neighbor. One evening I return home to find a note on my door from a neighbor across the way telling me that he is attracted to me and would like to get to know me. Okay, that sounds nice. That was my first mistake. After have one phone conversation all hell breaks loose. One evening I had my ringer off because I had a headache and wanted to go to bed early. He called me 6 times in one hour (I have caller ID). Each message got a little creepier. His finally message at 1130pm stated that he was coming over to knock on my door. I, immediately put the kibosh on that one. Occasionally, he still calls and breathes in my phone, but he is dealing with the master here, so his silly games mean nothing to me. Jebus! “Why are you ignoring me?” Um, because you are a psycho and there is not enough room for two psychos in any relationship.

§ Hoo hoo trouble. Well, I had to have surgery as many of you know. I bled for 4 months straight and finally they went in and hovered that sucker out. On the way into surgery I was singing, “On Dancer, Prancer, And Vixen...” as they wheeled me down the hall. I am feeling better but it left me with a lot of gas….

§ Which brings me to this: I went to the Casino the other day with my 20.00. And as I was watching my 20.00 fly the coop, I thought, “God, who smells? Jesus! Someone ought to check their drawers!” And it was me. I stunk! I never stink! Residual hoo- hoo issues. So, now I am paranoid and carry this huge bottle of shower to shower body powder around. And who knows---maybe it wasn’t me? I bathe twice a day…oh, well what do you do.

§ Sarcastic hair dressers. So, I went to get my rat’s nest tamed. And I had this odd little hairstylist. Oh, she was nice but interesting. She of course has to point out that she is sarcastic. Now, if you have to point it out, then you suck at it. Plain and simple. If people do not get it-then you don’t do it. She told me her alcoholic friend has decided to stop drinking and she thought it would be funny to buy her a chess board made of shot glasses and mini-bottles. Um, okay did I miss something? So, if she was a recovering junkie you would fill her stalking with needles and a dime bag? No, honey you are not sarcastic, you are stupid. But you do good hair.

§ Finally, the phrase: Curiosity killed the cat. Well, I think Lola is learning that phrase. My toilet likes to make evil noises and the other day, she jumped up to see what was going on, slipped and fell in. Tidy bowl cat. I tried to be sympathetic…no, wait ---I did not. I just laughed my ass off.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. May all of your wishes and dreams come true in the coming New Year. And just be glad you aren’t me…hahahaha.


Thursday, November 10, 2005

Female trouble

Apparently, I have hyperplasia, which is where the endrometrial lining shows pre-cancerous cells. Nice, huh? So, I need to talk to this dude about options. They put me on Provera and it has made me bleed worse, as if that is possible! Today I passed clots as big as my fist, I kid you not. I thought they were freaking human heads! So, I will know more on Monday.

I cannot take time off work because I am the only teacher there, so I am trying to schedule all of this around my time off. (Christmas or Thanksgiving) But it really is not up to me. If I need to go, then I will have to go whenever they can find a slot for me. I am going to talk to the gynecologist about this whole birth control pill thing. The other doc gave me a prescription for a really HIGH dose of them and I am not really comfortable with that.

I hate being a woman sometimes.

A friend ( and I use that term loosely) is really being a snatch right now. I want to freaking
kick her in naughty area. God, what a bitch!



Sunday, November 06, 2005

Memory Excercise Response

AH, memories that have been sent to me so far:

From Sacman--Kevin: ( My oldest, dearest friend) and Kassi ( our emails combind)
Sacman says don't forget to bring down your remainder!
Listening to "James Taylor" with Suzanne
and John whilst trying to
teach Kassi Algebra...
then going for a walk in the spooky graveyard.

Mr. Chick...peep peep...
who gave me a really ugly stuffed animal.

Chaquita Paquita Love Muffin and
the Candy Gram....

CANDY GRAM! Go Away Land Shark!

Kevin and his blue hooded robe, which
scared the crap out of me every
morning! " AHHHHHHHHH!"
Along those same lines...Kevin decides to walk
around the apartment nude
and iron his apron for work...IN THE BUFF.

Barking Spiders..
...especially at Bethany's with Snowplop and Petie the
black cats....
and of course the talking ouija board named "Jim" that
lived there too.
hahahaha.
"Who can it be calling on our phone...Jim?"

Movie number one: "The K-team", "Tang-su-do Man,"
and the "Days of our
LIES." ( AIDS boy)
Movie Number two: " Kassi-Jessie Raphael,with the
return of AIDS boy," "Allie Baba's used cars," "Being followed by
security in the mall..."
OH MY GOD!!!!!!! IT's Candyman!!!!!!! EKKKKKKK!

***This is a favorite****** ( This is from ME--Kassi)
Getting drunk Christmas Eve and
calling people and telling them to look
under their beds. Why? Why not?
And also we told them Santa was stuck
in the Chimney.
Then Kassi gets looped and falls asleep in the SNOW on
the porch in her underwear. Ah, a Christmas hangover for the
fam...beautiful.



From Dawn( HighSchool Chum):
we had some really
great times, and some really serious moments.
I think we were each
others rock more than once.
I have to say though, that the time you had me
dress up as Zorba, and go up to Mr. Sidow.
That was classic! OR the
time I pretended to be crazy to mess with John's ex.
Is Angela still
your trunk?
Or when we were there to help Kevin decide which way to
go...Ah who can forget his first dance at Neighbors?!?!
Karen's
bachorlette party, the flat tire,
meeting John for the first time, putting (god I
forgot her name) putting a very drunk in bed,
and heavy drinking across
the border. Only one....?
Sorry too many times.
Oh my God and the
movie we made!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Do you have a copy of that?

From Heather: ( Co-worker and friend from old job)
My memory well one of the first few that comes to mind..naturally had
to do
with Oasis teen shelter. I like the one where you spilled that blue
paint on
the rug in the boys room :-)
That was so funny. I had so much fun
painting
that hell hole with you :-)

I also remember the ropes course. We wouldn't have had as much fun if
you
weren't there to keep us smiling and keep our spirits up!
( Even though I broke my ASS)

AH yes, and one more quickie
( I wish I could write in detail, but I'm
at
work)
remember when that one kid,
uh I think his name was Ryan?
Anyhow, he
put the pot in the microwave
and we spent a chilly evening sitting out
on
the picnic table as the fire dept. came and made our building "safe."
AHHH
yes...

From: Melissa ( My Cool Cuzin)

I remember going to Dempsey's with you and singing karaoke and getting
red
wine spilled on my purse, then driving home drunk (you driving--me drunk!)
and singing
Evanescence at
the top of our lungs. That was a fun night. :)

Love,
Mel

Saturday, November 05, 2005

The guy who posted the note on my door ended up being a freak. Oh, BIG suprise. After he called my house repeatedly one night and then came to bang on my door at 1130pm, I finally had to give this repsonse:

In one of your numerous messages you left on my phone last night, you
said all you wanted was a response from me. Well, your actions last
night have indeed, illicited a response from me.

First, I had my ringer off because I had a headache, therefore, all of
the calls you made accusing me of "ignorning" you, were unfounded. At
one point I got up to go to the bathroom and I saw my caller ID box
blinking. You had called 6 times within a span of an hour and half! And
I must tell you, each message got a little creepier.

Second, I did not appreciate the "I am coming over to knock on your
door and meet you right now," bit. It was 11:30 pm! Um, just because
YOU are awake does not mean I am awake. What if I had company?

Third, in the future when you want to get to know someone, try
introducing yourself, asking them out on a date or going for
coffee--the obsessive late night phone calling "The call is coming from
inside your house...." shit is not cute.

I am long-winded. Needless to say, no I am not interested in getting to
know you at this point. I wish you well.

Friday, November 04, 2005

MEMORIES

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or moritified) about what people remember about you.